


my faith is sick and my skin is thin as ever

by sandyk



Category: Superstore (TV)
Genre: F/M, Jonah has a twin!, also mental illness but that's canon, au of s3, references to dead dogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 12:01:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14056572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandyk/pseuds/sandyk
Summary: Jonah's a little unwell, and he has a twin, and he loves Amy. It'll all work out at some point.





	my faith is sick and my skin is thin as ever

**Author's Note:**

> no profit garnered, not mine. title from the national's nobody else will be there. for the trope bingo square secret twin/doppelganger.

Jonah turned away from Amy hugging Adam and Emma. But then she said, "Jonah," loudly. 

He turned back to look at her and she smiled at him. Her hand was almost coming up to reach for him. Or so he told himself. He did smile.

Then he still went out drinking with Mateo and Marcus. They were good and weird company. Maybe Jonah was the weird one. He was the drunk one. He sobered up by sitting in his car, staring out the window, drinking the bottle of water he had under the seat. It was warm and maybe a little foul. His phone battery had to be getting low. He drove home. 

He had to park a block away because there were cops and barriers. He couldn't see his building. He should have been able to see his building. He walked towards the barrier. Jonah said to one of the cops, "Hey, um. I think that was my building." 

"Yup," the cop said. Jonah showed his ID and got checked off a list. He looked down and his phone had died. 

"Where do I go now?"

Someone told him the church on the end of the street was setting up a shelter. That seemed very nice of them. Jonah walked over there and then there was nice people pointing him towards a buffet table. He was surprised to see Tamika from work. "Hey," he said, "did you hear what happened to store?" 

"Yeah," she said. "I'm pretty glad I had the day off. Did you get laid off?"

"No," Jonah said. "It was Chris, Cody, Justine, Marcus, and, and I can't remember who else. He didn't say your name."

"Out of sight, out of mind with Glenn, thank goodness," Tamika said. She steered him over to a cot. He sat down. He really didn't get what happening right now. He wanted to go to bed. Or change. He looked down at his plate and used his plastic fork to eat some mashed potatoes.

"I don't eat pork," Jonah said. 

"You're good," Tamika said. "We open up when the weather is really cold or really hot. Or, you know, tornados."

"I'm not used to tornados," Jonah said. 

"Eh," Tamika said. "I grew up in Florida. One of my first memories is Hurricane Andrew. We hid in the basement and then we came up half the street was gone. The destruction is about the same."

"Wow," Jonah said. "I should charge my phone. I should tell my family I'm okay."

Tamika said, "Tell me about your family, Jonah."

"Are you trying to keep me talking? It's nice, I like to talk, but if you need to help other people, I'm fine. I'm totally fine," Jonah said.

Tamika burst out laughing. "Sorry, you just sounded, please don't try to tell me you're fine again. Okay, brothers or sisters or both or none?"

"Three older brothers. One is only older by 5 minutes, but I'm still the baby. Sort of. There's a younger sister but it's complicated. I have a half sister. We all have a half sister, but only me and one of my brothers are willing to admit it."

"You're a twin, let's go with that," Tamika said. "I don't know why that's so surprising. Identical or fraternal?"

"Fraternal," Jonah said. "We look alike, though. But we all look alike. Not Mom, she's actually a blonde. The rest, though, Dad, Gideon, Aaron, Jeremy."

"Is it weird being a twin? I'm an only child," Tamika said. 

"I don't know if it's weird. It's kind of depressing. He's a lot more together than I am. He's married, he has a daughter, he works as a nurse practitioner in San Antonio," Jonah said. "He's everything I'm not, basically."

"So he doesn't have a Cloud 9 discount?"

Jonah smiled. Tamika had hooked up his phone with a charger. It started beeping and buzzing. He had a lot of messages. Tamika stood up and said, "You have fun talking to every person you know."

He listened to the messages first even though they freaked him out. Everyone started out joking and then they were all getting worried. Finally, he had a message from Amy. She said, "Jonah, what's wrong with your phone? Your brother called me? I told him you were alive. Call me back so I know I didn't lie to him. Oh, it was Gideon. I don't know the names of your other brothers."

She sounded a little scattered. Well, that was understandable. Jonah called his family first, Mom, then Dad, then Jeremy and Aaron and Gideon. "I knew you were okay," Jeremy said. 

"You had no idea," Jonah said. Jonah had spent his whole life making fun of the twin special connection myth. He didn't believe in it. 

"Actually I did," Jeremy said. "You're the one whose connection doesn't work. Mine does. You're broken, dude."

"I find this much less funny than normal. I'm sitting in a church shelter. Everything I own is gone. Mostly. Not my car or phone. Or the clothes I'm wearing. But they're all I have," Jonah said. 

Jeremy sighed. "Fine, fine. I recognize you're actually broken, probably in shock. By the way, if anyone tries to tell you you have PTSD, it's not actually PTSD until at least a few months after. It has a different name, like acute stress. I bet you're still skinny, right? I have some scrubs that shrunk in the wash, let me know when you have an address."

"Man, I don't have an address. Okay, I'm hanging up."

"Wait, wait, talk to Abby," Jeremy said.

Abby was five. She was adorable and she really liked him, so he appreciated their conversation. 

He carefully put away his plate to be cleaned and then sat down on his cot. He called Amy. "Hey. Gideon has your number because he loves that video from the strike. His personal assistant can do anything, so she really just needs your name and location and somehow she will find your number. He works on Wall Street in a financial services adjacent business I honestly don't understand and I had a year of business school."

"Gideon said your apartment was leveled," Amy said. 

"It was. I'm in a church shelter. Tamika is here. I think I'm going to sleep in my clothes."

"That sounds awful," Amy said. "Are you in shock?"

"Probably," Jonah said. "My brother made fun of me."

"Which one?"

"Jeremy," Jonah said. "Why did you ask that, you don't know any of my brothers?"

"I'm trying to make conversation," Amy said. "Which one is Jeremy? Does he hate that Pearl Jam song?"

"He hates it so much," Jonah said. "Jeremy is, actually, he's my twin. Don't worry, we're not identical."

"Why would that make me worry? You're a twin, that's so weird," Amy said. 

"Why does everyone say that?" Jonah sighed. "I'm actually really tired."

He fell asleep pretty quickly. But he woke up an hour later, went back to sleep, woke up an hour later, went back to sleep. 

When he finally woke up in the morning, some well-meaning volunteer walked him through the forms he needed to fill out. He asked about reporting to his rental insurance company. The volunteer nodded and said, "Oh, that's good. You're the first one who has that."

Another volunteer gave him a care package of clothes. It was Walmart underwear, Target sweatpants, and a Cardinals t-shirt. None of it fit great, but he reluctantly put his actual clothes in his brand new plastic bag after a lukewarm shower. He walked out to his car and sat in the driver's seat. He was looking at his phone, thinking about calling Aaron. Aaron was his nicest brother. 

He jumped three feet and hit his head when someone knocked on his car window. 

"Sorry, sorry," Amy said. 

He rolled down his window. "Hi, why are you here?"

"Adam and I are getting divorced. We had a long talk, we talked with Emma. He moved out. I thought maybe you'd want to, uh, stay in the basement? I mean, that's not related. Adam mentioned maybe we should offer you the basement last night. He also think it's weird you're a twin," Amy said. She was babbling. 

"Sleep in your basement?" He shook his head. "Um, I'm so sorry about your divorce. Sorry."

"Yeah, it sucks," Amy said. "So I'd like to ignore it and um, help someone else? And you're here, really in need of help."

"Okay," Jonah said. "If I still had my stuff, I could show you pictures of me and Jeremy." 

"He can email them to you and you can print them out. Not in our photo lab, but I think that did survive." 

Jonah got out of the car and leaned against the door. Amy was wearing sweatpants, too, but they were cute and made her look hot. Jonah was pretty sure he looked like he was dressed from a cheap care package. 

Jonah said, "Why do you want me in your basement?"

"Why don't you want to be there?"

"It's weird," Jonah said. "Your husband is about to be your ex-husband and he's moved out and we kissed yesterday and now you want me in your basement."

"I'm not trying to seduce you. We thought we were going to die, it's nothing," Amy said. "We're friends, right?"

"Yeah," Jonah said. "Okay."

He followed Amy in her car to her place. Emma actually smiled to see him, which was odd. Emma said, "I'm glad you're okay, Jonah."

"Thanks, Emma, I'm glad you're okay." He took his plastic bag of possessions down to Amy's basement. He had an email on his phone asking for an accounting of everything he'd lost. It was almost poetic except he couldn't really find the poetry in no longer having clean underwear to change into. 

He wrote it all out anyway, he wanted the money. Then he went upstairs and knocked on the door out of the basement before coming out. Amy was sitting alone on the couch. She looked miserable. "Hey," he said.

"Hey," she said. "Being separated, so far? Kinda sucks. Emma is having dinner with her dad. And I don't know when I'm going to work again."

"I'm sure we'll work again. I mean, there's always Target, or Walmart, if they fire us all. Maybe Target first. Try Target first. Is there a Costco around here? I hear they're pretty awesome," Jonah said. "You have a way better resume than I do."

"Yeah, all 60 of us looking for work, I'm sure Target's gonna want me so bad. Every other Cloud 9 had to lay off 10% of their workforce, so. They're not hiring," Amy said. "Doesn't Cloud 9 have to take us back?"

"Nope," Jonah said. "I don't think they have to legally. I'd have to ask Aaron, he went to law school. He graduated, too. But now he does contract law, so he might not know about labor laws."

"Suddenly you can't stop talking about your brothers," Amy said. "I can't believe you have a twin."

"I have a twin," Jonah said. "Can we have this conversation in your car, or mine? I need to go clothes shopping. Having only two pairs of underwear is really getting me down. I didn't think it would."

"I'll drive," she said. 

They didn't really talk while he shopped. He also bought some shorts and a pair of jeans and a few shirts. They went to a different Cloud 9 so Jonah could use his discount. The shift supervisor came out and started talking to Amy. It sounded like sympathy mostly. 

Jonah's phone signaled he had a text at the same time Amy's did. "Cloud 9, I bet," Jonah said. "Or Glen somehow figured out how to send a group text and is praying for all of us."

"It's Jeff," Amy said. "Jeff says we've all been laid off temporarily and should apply for unemployment and for once, Cloud 9 won't oppose it."

"How much does unemployment pay here?"

"Not a lot," Amy said. 

It was a weird summer. Jonah got a temp job and Amy managed to wrangle a place at the Penrose store, temporarily. The Assistant Manager there went on maternity leave, which was basically quitting for six weeks while her boss kindly said he'd hold her job. It was a good store. Amy told Jonah it made her miss their screwed up store. 

She even called Dina. 

Jonah saved some money since he was actually working a full thirty eight hours at a dollar more than he'd made at Cloud 9. There was no human interaction, besides saying hi to the other temps and then sitting quietly while he did data entry. The boss was nice enough to let people listen to whatever with their headphones on so Jonah worked his way through some podcasts, books on tape. 

He listened to a lot of mystery, murdery, horror ones. Then it was starting to infect his dreams so he tried some political ones. Then he was just angry and anxious all the time. So he decided to try NPR ones: Storycorps hour, pop culture happy hour. Some of the stories from Storycorps were haunting, though, so he stopped that one. He tried comedy podcasts because he liked to laugh but they were mostly men and the sexism was really glaring. Feminist podcasts got him through the last two weeks of work. 

"Ah, Goldilocks found his just right," Amy said. 

"I should have started there," Jonah said. "I'm still having nightmares about those crime ones. But maybe they're just nightmares because my building was destroyed and I'm generally an anxious person."

He didn't save too much money because he insisted on paying rent to Amy for his basement while trying to pay his bills.

One night she came home, a night Emma was off with her Dad, and Amy said, "My boss tried to set me up. Like, on a date. He knows a nice guy. And I was like, hey, I just got divorced. But then I thought, maybe? I don't know. I have to go on a date sometime, right?"

"Uh," Jonah said. "This feels awkward. I don't think you want my opinion."

"That. That's a good point," Amy said. 

"What does that even mean?" Jonah smiled because he wasn't really hurt, he was confused. Mostly.

"I don't know," Amy said.

Amy went on the date but she apparently didn't have much fun. As much as Jonah could tell. She went on a number of other dates, too. She just, she didn't talk about it. He never pushed. 

The store re-opened in the usual chaos. Jonah went to High Holy Days, repented, atoned. He didn't tell anyone he was living in Amy's basement. Neither did she. They were keeping it on the down low. "No speculation," Amy said.

So Jonah started looking for a place because it was too hard to keep a secret. He sucked at it. He sucked at keeping low stakes secrets. He had a bunch of high stake secrets, like kissing Amy and how Amy pretended it didn't happen. 

Searching for a place to live was not working. Jonah found places and he had some money to pay first and last but his credit rating was in the toilet. He mentioned it in passing to his dad so, of course, two weeks later Jeremy showed up with one day's warning. "Don't worry, I'll sleep on your basement floor," Jeremy said.

"It's not my basement," Jonah said. 

"I know, I'm coming to get you out of the basement," Jeremy said.

Naturally, Amy made up a guest room for Jeremy. She went with Jonah to the airport because she was so excited to see Jonah's twin. "He looks like you," Amy said. "Like a lot like you."

"Jonah looks like me," Jeremy said. "We've never looked enough alike to switch places. That would have been awesome."

Jonah shook his head. Jeremy was always the more charming one, in Jonah's opinion. And Jeremy's. 

As Amy was driving home she was interrogating Jeremy about Jonah. Jeremy, of course, was wildly exaggerating stories about Jonah or taking stories that actually happened to Jeremy and pretending Jonah was the one involved. 

Jeremy said, "Jonah, cover your eyes." Jonah closed his eyes even though he was definitely fine and over it. 

Amy said, "Why, what's going on?"

Jeremy said, "We're good." 

Jonah said, "Thank you, but I'm really over it."

"Over what?"

Jeremy said, "Well, when Jonah was 12 --"

"I'll tell it," Jonah said. "When I was 12, I was biking home from school and right on the shoulder of the road was a dog, that was no longer alive, because of a car. And I remembered where it was and biked home and called the Animal control people and they took it away and let me know. And I was totally fine."

"Except during dinner he had a panic attack and threw up all over the table," Jeremy said. "Baby brother's first panic attack."

"What a great way to refer to it," Jonah said. "But I'm fine now. Lots of therapy. I mean, I saw a dead animal last year. Went right into work."

"Really?" Jeremy turned around from the passenger seat. 

"I went home early," Jonah said. "But I didn't throw up on anyone."

Amy said, "So that's what wrong with you? You saw a dead animal when you were twelve?"

"It's not that simple," Jeremy said. "I say this as a medical professional. There's genetics, and brain chemistry and a lot of things that contribute to everything wrong with Jonah. In his head. If I can lecture for a moment --"

"We can't stop you," Jonah said. 

"It's like there's two of you," Amy said to Jonah. 

"When our parents got divorced, it didn't really phase Jonah. He was upset, but between Dad and Mom competing for his love, he was basically fine. With the divorce. Of course, he went to college near them. I was way over in New Mexico, so they both tried to win me over, but it was harder from a distance. And it really fucked me up. I had a lot of trouble committing. I actually made my wife go to marriage counseling as soon as we got married so we could start off on the right foot. We're twins, and we reacted to a traumatic event differently. I bet you, I bet you right now, someone you work with is dealing with trauma from the tornado you two basically shrugged off," Jeremy said. Jonah wondered if he was that obnoxious. Then he thought he definitely was. They were twins, after all. 

Amy said, "Speaking of divorce, are there signs if my daughter is going to be screwed up forever?"

"Most of the time, assuming we're not talking about an abuse or adultery, kids are fine. Don't talk crap about your ex. Don't be crappy to him. Make sure he does the same," Jeremy said.

"Really, adultery?" Jonah nearly rolled his eyes. 

"I know you think it's okay --"

"I think it's something that can be forgiven unlike you," Jonah said. 

"We have a seventeen year old half sister, did you know that, Amy?"

"No," Amy said. "Does that mean she was conceived during your parents' marriage?"

"Yes," Jeremy said. "And Dad didn't marry her mother, he's still out there dating. No settling down for him."

"He's a good dad to Ruby," Jonah said. "Not just child support but being present in her life. He made a mistake, at some point if Mom's not angry anymore --"

"She pretends not to be angry," Jeremy said. 

"She's not pretending," Jonah said. "She's moved on. They should have separated a while before they did, but they didn't."

"I feel like I'm learning so much about you," Amy said, sounding a little desperate. 

Jeremy made a huffing noise. "Sorry, Amy."

They finally reached Amy's place. As they were getting out of the car, Amy said, "I know you were saying you'd sleep in the basement, but I actually have a guest room. Which you should stay in."

"Of course," Jeremy said. After everyone was settled in, Jonah was sitting on Jeremy's bed, watching him Skype with his wife and Abby. 

"Hi, Abby," Jonah said. "Nice to talk to you again."

Abby waved and launched into a very long story about her ballet class. 

Jonah was making breakfast for himself, Amy and Emma like he usually did in the morning. Jeremy came springing out of his room. He was overjoyed to meet Emma. He was happy to be alive. Jeremy was always the cheerful one. He said, "I'm going to stop by your work, today. I want to meet all of them. Cool Garrett, cheery Cheyenne, complicated Mateo. I am ready."

Emma said, "Does Jonah talk about work a lot?"

"Yup," Jeremy said. "We text and talk on the phone and he sends me random emails."

"You do the same to me," Jonah said. 

Amy said, "Why do you both sound annoyed about it?" 

She kissed Emma goodbye and watched at the door as Emma left for the bus. When she came back inside, she said, "How does Jonah describe me?"

Jeremy did an excellent imitation of Jonah. He said, "She's so smart and honest and funny."

Amy smiled at Jonah and then looked away. Jonah said, "I don't sound that stupid."

"I don't think that sounds stupid," Amy said.

"I meant his voice, his voice, he's making me sound like I'm stoned or something," Jonah said. 

"Cause you've never smoked weed in your life," Jeremy said.

"It's only been once since I got to St. Louis," Jonah said. "I haven't been a stoner in years. And I didn't basically major in weed when I was in college, Jeremy."

Amy said, "When was that?"

"The time here? Cheyenne was there," Jonah said. "I'm taking the fifth on the rest."

Thankfully, Jeremy didn't want to ride in with Amy and Jonah. Jeremy said he was going to browse Craiglist, maybe even do some applications. In the car, Amy said, "So you have a teenage sister?"

"Yup," Jonah said. "Jeremy and Aaron only talk to her when it's a family thing, like Dad's birthday party or if we do New Year's with him. Gideon and I are the ones who stay in contact. She's a great kid. It's not her fault Dad was married."

"Totally," Amy said. "Does she have other siblings?"

"No," Jonah said. "Her mom was only an adulterous whore with my dad."

"I wasn't implying that," Amy said. "I was just wondering."

"Sorry, Jeremy makes me defensive about it," Jonah said. 

"It's just one revelation after another," Amy said. "Until the tornado, I just knew you had older brothers and your parents were alive. Now they're divorced, you have a twin, you have a half sister. Wait, I knew your brothers had kids. Is it everyone but you?"

"Just Gideon and Jeremy," Jonah said. "Gideon's divorced, too. Aaron's married. Last I heard they were thinking of adopting. Or not. They really love their dogs."

"Not like you, you don't like dogs," Amy said. "Oh, because of the whole dead dog thing!" 

"I do think we spend too much on pets when children are starving. Do you know how much Aaron spent because one of his dogs had, like, hip dysplasia?"

Amy said, "Yeah, he should have just let that dog's hip be displaced." 

Jonah smiled. She really was very funny. 

Jeremy showed up at noon. Jonah braced himself for the worst which it definitely was. Jeremy charmed everyone and joined straight in making fun of Jonah. At least from Jeremy, it was familiar. "Dina," Jeremy said. "Wow, Jonah always seems so impressed with you and now I see why."

"Is that some kind of dig at me?" Dina glared at Jonah. He swallowed nervously.

"No, he said you were like some unstoppable force, you'd never quit, and super pretty," Jeremy said.

"Jonah said I was pretty?"

"I did," Jonah said. "Maybe not in the khakis, usually."

"I have to wear them. And I make them work. At least I know there are other fabrics than plaid. Who are you to judge?"

"No one," Jonah said. "I'm not judging. I'm saying you look really good in that Halloween costume and at Cheyenne's wedding, and right now you look good."

Dina said, frowning, "I'll accept that. Your twin is more attractive than you."

"He knows," Jeremy said. 

It took Jeremy one day to find an apartment for Jonah, he cosigned the lease and passed on money from their mother for the part of the deposit Jonah couldn't cover. They hugged at the airport. Jeremy said, "You're taking care of yourself, right?"

"Of course, I am," Jonah said.

Jeremy sighed. "Which means no. Call me every week."

"You barely had a psychiatric rotation, and you shouldn't diagnose family."

Jeremy hugged him again. "Ah, Jonah, who knew just five minutes could give me so much more wisdom?"

He moved out of the basement to Emma's great regret. "I don't mind you staying here," she said. "It was nice having you."

"It was nice having the rent," Amy said. 

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Jonah was worried, had been worried for a week or so. Amy had mostly been making all the payments on her own anyway with Adam's lack of work the last few months. 

"I'll be fine. I was mostly using the money to pay off credit cards, so now I've made some real progress," Amy said. He decided to believe her. He hated that she hadn't taken college courses since Adam had gotten laid off. Maybe she had more money now to think about that.

Jonah didn't love his new apartment. It was really nice, and his renter's insurance had come through so he'd bought a bed and couch and a high end french press. But mostly when he was in his apartment, he felt alone. He called his family like always and he still went with Garrett to bars to watch sports. Which wasn't really either of their favorite things. But Garrett had already decided Jonah wasn't good enough at video games to play with him. Garrett had Randy for that.

Jonah had other friends, he always made friends. But for some reason it was harder to do the usual, put himself out there and make plans. He was more exhausted than usual. 

Alone in his apartment, he just thought himself in circles about Amy and kissing her and her divorce and if she was dating, how she really should be dating, should be finding someone for herself. He could accept it wouldn't be him. Why would it be him? She could find someone way more suitable. Way more together. 

He was also annoyed that she had basically decided never to talk about their kiss ever. He knew she was dating, she was probably even having sex. Jonah exhaled. He should date, too. He should get over it. 

But it was Thursday and he tried to be a good brother. He called Ruby. "My mom said this morning that I need to make sure I go to college or I'll end up like you," she said. 

"I graduated with a very high GPA from Vassar," Jonah said.

"I told her that," Ruby said, laughing. "She was really appalled. But I don't think you're a failure."

"I'm a little bit of a failure," Jonah said. "Hey, let's say I kissed a girl, we kissed, and the one time I brought it up, a month later, she refused to acknowledge it."

"Um, were you drunk? Or high? Was she drunk or high?" 

"Totally sober," Jonah said. "We did think we were about to die."

"Wow, that would be scary," Ruby said. "I think that means she doesn't want to talk about it with you."

"And she's dating other people, I just feel, I dunno. Should I talk to her?"

Ruby said, "Well, I'm seventeen and I've had two boyfriends and two of my brothers won't even speak to me, so I guess I'm in a position to give *you* advice."

"Come on, I just want an alternate perspective. I can't talk to anyone who lives around here," Jonah said. 

"Okay, so you think you're going to die and you kiss, and then she's like, nope, don't want to talk about it. Or date you. Like, whatever else is going on, you should take people at their word. Or non word. She's just not that into you. If she is into you, she's not expressing it and you can't rush someone. You can't make someone like you," Ruby said.

"That's excellent advice," Jonah said. "Do you want anything from me?"

"I just like that you call me. Then I go to school and be like, my brother called me last night," Ruby said.

"That's not sad, not at all," Jonah said.

"You're not going to go to work and be like, oh, I was talking to my little sister yesterday --" 

"I try not to talk about family at work, but only because most of coworkers are right on the edge of creepy and I don't want some of them thinking about you," Jonah said.

"I'll accept that," Ruby said.

Jonah decided Ruby was exactly right. As much as he wanted to over think everything and parse every facial expression of Amy's, he really just needed to take her at her word. She didn't want him, she wasn't into him.

So he forged into a new day. It was a horrible metaphor. 

!!!

For some reason, Christmas Eve was deserted at the store. The year before it had been packed, but this year they had time to get drunk while Amy and Cheyenne and Dina were looking at pictures of Adam's new girlfriend. "But you've been dating, too," Jonah said.

"But not seriously," Amy said. "Not spend Christmas Eve with serious."

"Not go on more than three dates serious," Dina said. "Trust me, she's been whining."

"It's none of his business," Amy said. She kind of pushed him away. 

He said, "Maybe you should talk to Adam tomorrow when you're less, uh, serious."

She looked at him, her eyes steady on his. "Okay, dork."

He went back to watching the beer pong. Jeremy had written him some prescriptions for all his anxiety and whatever, they didn't mix well with drinking. Not so bad with pot. He missed Cody, Cody had grown some excellent pot in the gardening center. Jonah had only smelled it because he was trying to stay on the straight and narrow. Except for that one time. 

Amy grabbed him by the back of his vest and pulled him away. She said, "I was thinking about going over there, to see Bridget. But then I remembered you said I should wait until tomorrow. If I'm going to wait, I wanna do something with my time."

"I was just thinking how much I wanted to smoke out, do you think Cheyenne has any?"

"You're so silly," Amy said. She tapped his chest. "If you want pot, you go to Corey." She grabbed his wrist and pulled him back towards Corey, then she stood on her tippy toes to whisper in Corey's ear. 

Corey went one way and Amy put her hand down Jonah's front pocket. "Hi, hi," Jonah said. "What are you doing?"

"Getting your wallet. Are you wearing underwear?"

"Yes," Jonah said. He pulled her hand out, and then his wallet. "Does he want cash? I don't have cash."

"Oh, God, true." 

"He probably takes Zelle or Venmo," Jonah said. "Honestly, I don't know if I should. I haven't had sex in a while, I mean, I haven't smoked pot in a while."

"Same with me, except I've had sex recently," Amy said. "Not relationship sex which I think is the best sex. I feel like adult me, divorced me is into relationship sex, as soon as I find the right relationship to have sex in."

"I like one night stand sex," Jonah said. "Lots of exploration, finding fun things, hey, I didn't know you had a tattoo, wow, you can do that with your leg?"

"Do what with your leg?" Amy looked puzzled. She lifted her leg and put it back down. 

"The example I was thinking of when I said that was, the leg was behind the ear," Jonah said. 

"I can not do that," Amy said. "Not any more."

Corey came back and said, "I figured you were old school. Which of these camera work so I'm not handing you this where Dina can find out."

"Good thought," Jonah said. This was a stupid idea. "Maybe we --"

"Stop," Amy said. "Don't freak out. Do it. Do it. Do it."

"Yeah, do it. Do it. Do it," Marcus said, drawn like a beacon to a chant. "What are we doing?"

"Nothing," Jonah said. "Absolutely nothing."

"Nothing with you," Amy said. 

"Look, Amy, I called dibs before Jonah," Marcus said.

"Look, Marcus, I told you that was bullshit," Amy said. 

Amy, who was very handsy that night, grabbed Corey and Jonah's arms and dragged them to a spot in the middle of the baby section. "Dina was telling me this blindspot was the worst because it was prime importance in case of child disappearance," Amy said, then hiccuped. "She just told me this morning I don't think she was planting a trap."

"She does that?" Jonah shook his head. "Of course she does."

Corey took Venmo so Jonah called it "my portion of the beer" and sent over the surprisingly low price for four joints. Amy grinned and patted Corey's arm and then grabbed Jonah's arm again and dragged him off. "Let's get high," she said.

"Maybe after I get home, I don't want to drive smelling like a dorm room."

"Well," Amy said. "I want to go with you. I've only seen your apartment once and if I'm not going to be an idiot in relation to my ex-husband because of you, you owe me. Something."

"I don't really get that logic but, uh, sure," he said. When they got to his car, he looked at his joints. If he got stopped, that would be bad. 

Amy saw him and took the joints from him. She put them in her bra, under her breast. She said, "I am definitely dark enough to get stopped, but I found I never got stopped when I let Adam drive."

"Do you get stopped a lot?"

"I do," Amy said. "You're the one in the car with white privilege, dude."

"I'll obey all traffic laws," Jonah said. 

When they got to his apartment, Amy took the joints out of her bra. She looked around and cracked one of the windows and put a fan next to it. "This window faces nothing, right?"

"It's my view window," Jonah said. "I can see the roof of the next building and other buildings. Maybe I shouldn't. I don't know. I'm taking medication. Maybe I should call Jeremy."

"It's Christmas eve," Amy said. 

"We're Jewish. We're all Jewish, he's not doing anything," Jonah said.

"Okay, then it's an ordinary night at midnight and he has a five year old, so I'm sure he's awake and waiting for you to call," Amy said. He thought she was getting slightly more sober. 

She sat down on the floor in front of the window and held out a joint. "Get a lighter, baby."

"Um, okay. Okay."

They only smoked two, and Jonah got much more high than Amy. "Do you have a high tolerance or something?"

Amy grinned. Jonah was laying on his back, listening to his favorite Spotify playlist. Jonah was waving his hands, conducting the Decembrists. Amy said, "You're just a lightweight."

She stood up and pulled Jonah up with her. She closed the window, turned off the fan, and then took him to his bedroom. She pushed him down on the bed and Jonah kept conducting since he brought his iPhone with him. He felt really relaxed. He was never relaxed. He started singing along. He heard Amy throwing up. He sang louder. He loved to sing. He really loved to sing. 

Amy came back into the room, she smelled like mouthwash. "Move over," she said. 

"Okay," he said. "Are you sleeping here? It's okay with me. You could sleep here forever. Platonically. I'm not saying anything."

"You don't want to have sex with me?" She got them both under the covers and then got up again. "I'm turning on the heat in here. And then I'm going to turn off your iPhone because your taste in music is awful."

"It's great. And I want to have sex with you. I always want to have sex with you," Jonah said. "Feel free to pretend you didn't hear it."

"Nope," Amy said. She did take his iPhone and stop the music. 

Jonah closed his eyes. He woke up with a start and he thought for a minute he was in the wrong place, someplace scary and dark. He rubbed his eyes. Amy was in his bed next to him. At some point she'd taken off her shirt and pants, he could see them on the covers. She started to open her eyes. "Hey."

"Go back to sleep," Jonah said. "I forgot to take my pills, I forgot so I can't sleep even with the pot. I forgot."

"You could take them now," Amy said. She turned on her side and closed her eyes. 

"Okay," he said. 

The next time he woke up, it was much better. Just nice waking up. Amy had turned in her sleep or consciously, she was snuggled up to him. He felt her bare legs against his. 

Amy said, "You up now? I have a little hangover. You know what I like to do when I have a hangover?"

"Take aspirin?"

"Have sex," Amy said. She sat up and he noticed she'd taken off her bra. He could see her breasts. He really liked her breasts. 

He said, "What, sex? We should, you want me to. Have sex with you?"

"Definitely," Amy said. "But we should shower and brush our teeth and you should find a condom first."

"Got it," Jonah said. He fell out of the bed.

After they showered and brushed their teeth and he did find a condom and he tripped three times in his own bedroom, they were on the bed. Together. Kissing her was wonderful, holding her breasts, spreading her legs and kissing her there, all of it was wonderful. She was loud and and eager and she got the condom on him and pulled him on top of her. 

It was really fantastic sex. "That was fantastic," he said. 

"I know," Amy said. "It really was. I mean, sorry about the part where I kicked you and the part where my hand was stuck, but it was great."

"Perfect sex is impossible, so imperfect sex is perfect," Jonah said.

"Are you still stoned?" She kissed him. 

"No," Jonah said. "I just, I really like you."

"Are we going to argue about how I totally ignored our whole kiss thing?"

"It was just a kiss, it wasn't a thing," Jonah said. "Well, I wish you hadn't."

"It was just, really, it was scary. And I was a dick," Amy said. 

"Okay," Jonah said. "Sure, okay." What he wanted, what he really wanted was to date her, maybe forever, have a baby with her, wake up with her. He looked over at her and he was absolutely sure Amy didn't want that with him. Or she didn't want it with anyone. 

They both got dressed and watched Netflix without "chilling." 

He saw her the next day and smiled. "Hey, good morning."

"Good morning," she said, tentatively. Like she was feeling out where they were. He kept smiling and she kept smiling and then it was becoming a stand off. 

He said, "Okay. Okay. Sure. Um, I'll see you." 

It didn't go well, in Jonah's opinion. Nothing about the next few days went well in Jonah's opinion. He and Amy had stilted conversations. Glenn asked him if he was fighting with Amy. Dina glared at him and said, "You're an ass."

He called Jeremy on his way home from work. "I'm not saying I'm not fine, I'm saying that maybe I could be better."

"Is it your anxiety or depression?" Jeremy sounded bored. "Also, you need a real doctor, not just calling your twin the nurse practitioner." 

"I haven't found one I like around here," Jonah said. "My insurance is awful, you know, half the time if I want to make an appointment they don't want me. And before you say use Dad's money, let's talk about the doctors who take people who prefer to pay cash. They're not generally great."

"Yeah, I've heard this before. Any doctor is better than me," Jeremy said. "But while you keep being you, tell me, anxiety or depression?"

"Both? Mostly anxiety, I think," Jonah said. "I had great sex on Christmas and then nothing happened, I mean, that was my fault. I think that was my fault. But I don't think she was pushing to make things happen, either."

"OOooh, Amy? Did you have sex with Amy? She's so pretty," Jeremy said. "I'm saying that because you say that, not because I think Amy is prettier than my wife."

"I did," Jonah said. "But I don't know, I was high and she was drunk or hungover, although of course, consent was enthusiastically given. I wanted it, she wanted it. But I don't know, I can't figure it out."

"Well, sure, your head is up your ass. Ask a question, talk to her. You're an idiot. I'm going to send you new prescriptions. And I am going to find you a doctor who is not related to you," Jeremy said. "I mean it."

"You say that every time," Jonah said.

So he got his different pills and took them as prescribed. He felt somewhat better. He stopped worrying every time he pulled into the parking lot of his apartment. Smiling at work felt like less of an effort. He was still super embarrassed by all his behavior with Amy, but that was a constant. 

Jeremy did find him a psychiatrist. Jonah was paying with his dad's money and he went once a week. They were nice. They introduced themselves as non-binary and using the pronouns they, so Jonah went with that. He thought it was a plus. 

He sat next to her at yet another meeting. "It's so exciting to see Jeff again," he said.

Amy smiled at him. "Are you excited excited? Should I get ready to hold Mateo back?"

"Nope, not like that. Although if he wears those boots again," Jonah said.

Amy laughed. 

They had lunch together again. Amy was going on about Emma and the darned PTA and Jonah just kept feeding her straight lines. Amy was really funny, even if not everyone could see it. 

"So you two are being irritating fake flirty again," Dina said. "Sorry, irritating flirty, I guess it's not fake."

"I don't know if we're flirting," Jonah said. "I mean flirting covers a lot of behavior and I think we're just friends, you can be friends with someone of the opposite sex."

"If you've had sex with them, it's probably flirting," Dina said.

"We -- who told you, I mean, uh, sex? Who said that?"

"Amy," Dina said. "I'm her best friend. We talk about all her little problems and her sexual conquests."

"She talked about me?"

"Oh, God, I can't do this," Dina said. "This is not 5th grade and I am not passing turtles back and forth. Just ask her."

"Turtles?"

"I'm not telling you that story," Dina said and marched away. 

He tried not to think about it. He found that was sort of working for him. Aggressively not thinking about things. It made friendship with Amy much easier because he didn't want to think about how hot she was naked. His therapist told him that was utter bullshit. They said, "Why do you do this to yourself?"

Amy came over to him as they were about to close. She said, "Drive me home? I got a ride here from, from a guy I know and I thought I'd get an Uber or something but then Emma just called and she has to have this set of books. Normally, I'd say no, but it's books. I like when she reads. So I need to cut back on some things. Like Ubering home."

"A guy?" Jonah shrugged. "I can give you a ride of home, of course."

"A guy," Amy said. Her voice was harsh. "Not one I'm dating, okay? I'm not dating, if you were wondering and you clearly are."

"I was wondering," Jonah said. "I can admit that. I know I'm not someone you want to date --"

"Of course, I've definitely shown I don't want to date you," Amy said. He thought she might be being sarcastic. 

They were at his car. "Sorry, I'm being an asshole, I know. I know."

"Only sometimes," Amy said. 

They didn't really speak for the first five minutes. Then Amy said, "I'm grabbing the wheel," and with her other hand she covered his eyes. 

"Hey, hey," he said. "Should I brake or something? Accelerate?"

"No, we're good," Amy said and sat back. "I didn't want you to see the D-E-A-D A-N-I-M-A-L." 

"I can spell," Jonah said. "The words don't freak me out. And I'm fine now, really, totally fine. But thank you. I appreciate it. Do you want to date me?"

Amy pressed her lips together. Then she said, "Yes, duh. Isn't it obvious?"

"It's not obvious," Jonah said. "But my psychiatrist says I'm not the most self-aware person in the world. Actually they say it meaner."

"You have multiple psychiatrists?"

"No, they are a person who is not a he or a she and prefers the pronouns they. They're very direct with me," Jonah said. "I just worry, I don't know, we're really screwing up getting together, what does that mean for our relationship?"

"I don't know," Amy said. "Maybe it says we need to get better. Which we're doing right now."

"Yeah, we are," Jonah said. "We're at your house."

"You should come in," Amy said. 

Jonah rubbed his forehead. "I should."

!!!

Jonah had moved his last box back into Amy's house. They were moving in together, after only three months. Dina had told Amy it was nuts, they were moving too fast. Jonah's shrink didn't think it was too fast. They didn't say so explicitly, anyway. That was good enough for Jonah. 

He was exhausted. Amy clapped. "Good work," she said.

"Thanks for all your help, milady."

"It's your stuff," she said. "It doesn't become our stuff until you put it all away."

"Wow," Jonah said. "Wow." His phone rang and Jonah took it. "Hey, Jeremy."

"Hey, I feel like you're in a good mood," Jeremy said.

"You don't have a connection, there's no connection," Jonah said. 

"Did you really tell Ruby our family has a history of mental illness?"

Jonah said, "It's true. Dad's brother killed himself, PopPop's dad was a depressed alcoholic. I'm not the only one who has panic attacks in our family. You talked to Ruby?"

"Yes, you finally convinced me. You and my wife," Jeremy said. "I guess it's not all her fault."

"It's not any her fault," Jonah said. 

"Whatever," Jeremy said. "Hey, Let me make you happier. Because I know you're happy."

Jonah said, "Yeah?"

"You're going to be an uncle again," Jeremy said. If Jonah had any connection to him, it was working then because he could tell Jeremy was bursting.

"Fantastic!" 

"Don't tell anyone, we're only eleven weeks, but I got a good feeling," Jeremy said.

"Well, Amy's standing right here so she's going to figure it out," Jonah said.

"I meant Cheyenne and Mateo," Jeremy said. 

"You met them once," Jonah said. 

"I'm not wrong," Jeremy said.

"Well, congratulations. And I love you," Jonah said.

"I love you, too," Jeremy said. "In a manly twin way, of course."

"Of course," Jonah said. "But men can show in emotion, too, you don't have to pull out some no homo --"

"Yes, sorry, Jonah, I love you, no qualifications."

"If you have a boy, you'll appreciate these moments," Jonah said.

"Thank you," Jeremy said. "Teach me more about parenting. Bye."

Jonah said goodbye and turned to Amy. "I'm gonna be an uncle again."

"I figured that out," she said. "I love you, too, without qualifications and no no homo shit."

"Same here," he said. He leaned over and kissed her. It felt like he was getting closer and closer to home.


End file.
